The Twilight Series: The Abridged Version
by RobinGabriella
Summary: Twilight: Abridged is for everyone who want to read Twilight but really can't be bothered. It's Twilight, but much shorter. And mildly amusing.
1. Twilight: The Abridged Version

Twilight: The Abridged Version

_The scene opens with Bella leaving her mother in Phoenix to stay with her father for completely unnecessary and unreasonable reasons. She is inappropriately dressed for the weather in Washington (clue in the name). _

BELLA: So, mom, I'm going to leave you and your new hubby to have wild monkey sex while I partay with ma homies in Spoons – I mean Forks. I hope I don't catch my death in the cold weather up there. It will be all your fault for abandoning me for a new man.

RENEE: It's okay honey. I'm sure you'll make lots of new friends. Your father will be really happy to see you since you started refusing to see him about ten years ago for reasons no one will fully explain. See you in three books!

BELLA: See ya mom! I hope I don't meet my predestined mysterious love interest while I'm gone!

_The plane journey is almost instantaneous and nothing happens, therefore is inconsequential. Bella's father, Charlie, is waiting with open, joyous arms for his beloved daughter to return to him._

BELLA: Hey Charlie. You don't understand me.

CHARLIE: That's right, Bells. Let's have a car journey and not bond and talk about the weather because we've suddenly become British!

**AUTHOR: Fuck you...**

BELLA: But that's so boring!

**SMEYER: That's right, that's why it only takes about half a page in the book, and most of it is spent moping!**

BELLA: It's so green! Arizona was all red and orange, so this place must be the antithesis of my entire previous life. Therefore I will become emotionally unstable and become obsessed with the first other emotionally unstable object I meet!

CHARLIE: We're home! I haven't been able to take the break-up with Renee, even though it's been like seventeen years. Man, I thought men were supposed to get over stuff like that a lot faster than women. Maybe I'm gay. That would explain my close, intimate relationship with Billy Black.

BELLA: That's great, Charlie. Now, let's talk about me. I require a new bedroom, a new bathroom, new clothes and shoes and new friends. Can you get me any of those?

CHARLIE: Nope, but I got you this shit truck!

BELLA: That's so unthoughtful of you. I hate you forever and will hereby refuse to discuss anything with you despite your attempts at good parenting.

CHARLIE: Will you at least call me dad?

BELLA: No.

CHARLIE: Oh yes, I invited my fuckbuddy – I mean, friend, over to meet you. And he's bringing his son, Jacob. Remember him?

BELLA: Is he hot?

CHARLIE: Not yet, but give him a book and a half and he will have a fan base equal to Edward's.

JACOB: I love you Bella!

BELLA: Right...Are you dark and mysterious?

JACOB: No. Well, not yet at least. In New Moon I get really hench and-

BELLA: I don't care! Bye-bye, then. Have a nice life in complete obscurity!

_The rest of the scene is spent by Bella moping in her Barbie-themed room. This is inconsequential as well, so let's skip to the next day at school at lunch time._

MIKE: Hi, I'm Mike!

JESSICA: Hi, I'm Jessica!

BEN: Hi, I'm Ben!

ANGELA: Hi, I'm Angela!

M/J/B/A: We're your new friends even though we're really boring and highly exaggerated stereotypes of regular high school students!

BELLA: Bo-ring. Who can point me in the direction of the nearest hot guy?

MIKE: I think I love you, Bella.

BELLA: You aren't nearly emotionally traumatised enough to be a serious love interest. Next!

_Five mysterious teenagers (four of whom look like they're actually in their mid-twenties) walk through the canteen doors. They all sport unnecessarily large hair, protruding fangs and have a particularly moody, angst-ridden aura about them. They sit at a table a short distance away from Bella's to sip red liquid from hospital blood bags. Everyone in the room assumes it's just Ribena._

BELLA: Who are they?

JESSICA: They're the Cullens. They're really dark and mysterious, they live in the woods, always pass their exams like they've taken them three hundred times, and they're super-duper hot.

BELLA: Wow, I think I just found my potential love interest. And it's only the first day of school! Who's the hot ginger guy?

JESSICA: You find gingers attractive? That one's Edward Cullen. He's a complete douchebag. He's refused to go out with me every day for the last three years. I guess no normal girl in this school is good enough for him.

BELLA: Well, thank Jesus because I'm no ordinary girl. I will go a-wooing now! Sorry friends, but you aren't nearly interesting enough for me! Toodles!

_Bella walks over to the table where the Cullens are sitting, falling over a football, a cactus and a small child on her way. This is to emphasise a clumsiness she has never before displayed. It must be love._

BELLA: Hello, future husband!

ALICE: Do not do it Edward! She is destined to become one of us! I think I will make this obvious because it is in fact Smeyer's fantasy and it will save dubious male readers the pain of waiting four books to find out. But seriously, do you want to be stuck with her for all eternity?

BELLA: Yay! Does this mean we're going out now?

**SMEYER: Remember kids, you have no free will and God – I mean, Fate has already decided who you will fall in love with and marry. See you in Hell!**

EDWARD: I'm too busy looking dark and brooding and warding off fan girls. Maybe I'll consider it if you can work out if I'm a vampire or not (totally).

BELLA: Yay! Obvious and boring plot!

_Bella spends all night looking at Yaoi on and reading bad fan fictions about Marik and Bakura. Eventually, she remembers what she was supposed to be doing and googles 'vampire'. There are over 666 million hits. After trolling various websites for any vague information, she comes to the conclusion that Edward cannot be a vampire because she has seen him go out in the Sun and was not distracted by Smeyer's use of the word 'God'. She goes to bed and has an annoying dream-based revelation. This is the dream:_

BELLA: Oh my God!

**SMEYER: DO NOT BLASPHEME!**

BELLA: Oh my Edward!

**SMEYER: That's better...**

BELLA: Edward and a furry version of Jacob are wrestling in a vat of baked beans! My fantasies are coming true!

**SMEYER: WHICH MEANS...**

BELLA: It was so obvious! How could I/the audience not have seen it before! I mean, it was on the back cover for Edward's sake...

_The author of this version is now mentally scarred and will refrain from exploring the Edward Cullen vs. FURRY!Jacob baked bean wrestling scene any further. Bella wakes up and decides to confront Edward about being a vampire. For some reason, she decides to do so in a remote area of forest...where nobody can hear her scream._

BELLA: I know what you are...

EDWARD: Say it...out loud.

BELLA: Gay.

EDWARD: You're right...Wait a sec. What?

BELLA: It's okay, my dad's gay too. Maybe-

EDWARD: NO, I am not gay. I'm a vampire. Duh.

BELLA: Seriously?

EDWARD: Yeah.

BELLA: Well, in that case, I WUV U!111!1!

EDWARD: ME 2!1!11!1!one! I will take this random opportunity to give an unnecessary display of power and explain my speshulful abilities.

**AUTHOR: So it's basically fan service?**

EDWARD: Basically. Well, we're super fast, super strong, live forever and sometimes have speshulful powers. Oh, and we sparkle.

**AUTHOR: So you have just basically ignored all the perfectly good European folklore in favour of these random pixie things? Wow, it's soo original...**

**SMEYER: It's original.**

**AUTHOR: It's stupid. They aren't vampires. Drinking blood does not make you a vampire, it makes you a haematophage. **

**SMEYER: My fragile brain doesn't understand...**

BELLA: Kewl! I wanna be a vampire! I wanna be a vampire!

EDWARD: No.

BELLA: You'll change your mind in about three books time...

_They proceed to smooch in a most unholy fashion. This has been censored to prevent the author going insane. _

EDWARD: Baseball time!

BELLA: Yay! A convenient time for me to be introduced to your family!

ALICE: I'm Alice. I'm married to Jasper and I can see into the future, which isn't really that good because it's not fixed, therefore rendering my powers practically useless and weak in comparison to all the male characters' powers.

JASPER: I'm Jasper. I'm married to Alice and I can control people's emotions. This means I can mind-rape whoever I want all the time. I'm also permanently constipated.

ROSALIE: I'm Rosalie. I don't have any powers because I'm a weak and useless woman. I'm Emmett's bitch. I don't like you.

EMMETT: I'm Emmett. I'm ridiculously masculine but have almost no fan following because I'm such a minor character. I'm married to Rosalie's ass.

CARLISLE: I'm supposedly from Tudor England, but I have no accent and am called Carlisle, therefore Smeyer obviously didn't do her research. I'm sexually attracted to teenagers.

ESME: I'm Esme. I don't do anything.

BELLA: Yay! Let's get married!

EDWARD: Nah, let's milk the fan girls for all they're worth and drag out the obvious ending for another three books!

**SMEYER: That's my perverted abusive stalker teenage boy that I'd totally leave my husband to be with!**

ALICE: Oh no! Some evil vampires are on their way to kill Bella!

EDWARD: But I love her! Nothing can tear us apart!

**SMEYER: And I already have a four-book contract!**

JAMES: I am evil, as announced by my complete and unnecessary lack of shirt!

LAURENT: I am evil, as announced by my French name!

VICTORIA: I am evil, but this is never really explained!

J/L/V: Let's kill Bella for no apparent reason!

BELLA: RUN AWAY!1!1one!one!1!eleven!

_At the Cullen's house, which turns out not to be the actual woods but is close enough to count._

CARLISLE: They are evil because they're not vegetarian vampires!

BELLA: What the hell?

EDWARD: I am a tortured soul, therefore I have sworn off human blood and prefer to kill innocent fluffy woodland critters to feed my insatiable lust for blood!

**AUTHOR: Lolwut? Then you aren't really vegetarian, then? **

**SMEYER: Stop pointing out my obvious failures! You British idiots don't know what you're doing to my franchise! I intend to make millions from innocent tween girls – and their mothers!**

**Author: I'm going to back away slowly...**

LAURENT: I'm pretending to be good! James is really good at hunting, by the way.

BELLA: Oh no! What should we do! He is obviously superior to the combined forces of five vampires!

EDWARD: Alice will take you to some random hotel somewhere. Don't do anything stupid.

_A random hotel in Phoenix._

BELLA: I'm so bored!

JASPER: I hate this. I'm not getting any hot vampire sex with her around.

ALICE: I have forseen that you will-

**SMEYER: This has been censored because it might offend stupid American tweenagers and their mothers.**

_The phone rings._

BELLA: Hello? This is Isabella Marie Swan, aged 17, and I'm totally delicious and full of red, juicy blood. Wanna bite?

JAMES: Actually, yes. Meet me at the old creepy Ballet studio where I have your mother, who I will proceed to kill if you don't do exactly as I say!

BELLA: Whatever you say, master!

_Bella somehow manages to sneak past Jasper and Alice and goes to the Ballet studio. It is creepy. James is dancing to 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy' in a pink tutu and tights._

JAMES: I WASN'T DANCING BALLET!

BELLA: Riiiight. Now, where's my mother!

JAMES: Do you really think I have the balls to actually kidnap someone? Firstly, it might offend stupid American tweens and their mothers, therefore damaging the great Smeyer's sales. Secondly, I was just learning Ballet, therefore was way too busy to actually kidnap someone.

BELLA: Please don't kill me!

JAMES: Of course I won't! I'll just give the fans a small hint at what is going to happen in book four by biting you.

BELLA: Okay!

_There is a large battle. James bites Bella, who starts screaming and foaming at the mouth. The author takes a moment to laugh at her pain._

EDWARD: Bella! I will save you, my love!

ALICE: I'm here too, but because I'm a woman I will take no part in fighting because that's a man's job.

_There is another large battle. Edward rips James into little pieces. However, most of this is censored because it might offend stupid American tweens and their mothers. _

EDWARD: No! She has been bitten! I cannot possibly do anything!

CARLISLE: You must suck the venom out!

EDWARD: But I am not strong enough!

BELLA: I don't care!

_Edward gives Bella's arm a hickey._

BELLA: Yay! I'm alive! Let's go to prom!

_At prom. _

BELLA: Will you turn me now?

EDWARD: No.

BELLA: Pwease?

EDWARD: No.

BELLA: Now?

EDWARD: Still no.

_And thus ends instalment #1 of TTAV. Hope you enjoyed it._


	2. New Moon: The Abridged Version

New Moon: The Abridged Version

_The second installation of 'Twilight', 'New Moon' opens in the meadow of joy and wonder where Bella and Edward first professed their twu wuv 4 evar. It's a little mysterious as to why no one else ever goes to this meadow, but we start there. Because Smeyer said so._

BELLA: I love you, Edward!

EDWARD: I love you, roast chicken! – I mean, Bella!

BELLA: OH HOLY SHIT I'M OLD!

EDWARD: That's sexy...

**AUTHOR: You have a granny fetish now? Pervert...**

_Fortunately for Bella, it was all a dream. Obviously. Smeyer would never do that to herself._

BELLA: Yay! It's my birthday, so I'm totally shunning all my human friends and family in favour of my vampire friends!

CHARLIE: Happy 18th birthday, my wonderful and not selfish daughter! Have this extremely expensive camera and a gold necklace! It only cost me my entire salary for the last nine years, but that's nothing considering how much I love you!

BELLA: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm going to ignore you!

CHARLIE: But-but-but-but-

**SMEYER: You aren't important, human filth! **

_At the Cullen's stupid treehouse thing in the middle of the woods...where no one can hear you scream._

ALICE: I forsee great trouble...

EDWARD: It's your birthday! I'm so happy you're still on the menu! – I mean, human!

BELLA: But I'm really old!

EDWARD: Yeah, I like it that way...

**AUTHOR: Ew...**

CARLISLE: I thought it would probably be a good idea to make sure Jasper didn't eat any cute bunnies this morning so we can actually have a not-very-life-threatening incident right about now.

BELLA: Don't be silly, I trust you all with my life!

EDWARD: Yay! Now open your presents.

BELLA: But that means I'm old!

EDWARD: Yeah...

**AUTHOR: Ew...**

_Bella proceeds to open a small box wrapped in razor wire. She cuts her finger and most of her blood comes pumping out, despite the fact her finger has nowhere near the arterial capacity it takes to have that much blood coming out in one place. But hell, I didn't write it. _

JASPER: OM NOM NOM NOM tasty roast chicken!

EDWARD: Hey! That's my roast chicken! – I mean, girlfriend!

CARLISLE: I am supposedly English; therefore I will save the day!

_He does so._

EDWARD: We nearly killed you!

BELLA: Then make me like you!

EDWARD: Never!

BELLA: Pwease?

EDWARD: I'm leaving you! It's for your own good!

BELLA: !eleven!11!1!one!

_Edward flies off into the forest. Bella sinks onto the ground and has a tantrum. About four months pass. Bella sits on the forest floor rocking back and forth._

BEAR: TASTY HUMAN!

BELLA: Please eat me! I hate my life!

BEAR: OM NOM NOM NOM!

_And Bella was no more._

**SMEYER: Hang on a second, I didn't write that!**

**AUTHOR: Uh, yes you did...**

**SMEYER: PUT IT HOW I DID IT! **

**AUTHOR: But being eaten by a bear is preferable to the state of emotional trauma Edward inflicted by leaving her after establishing a completely co-dependent relationship! It will take years of intensive therapy to break that bond, not to mention how she-**

**SMEYER: It's TWU WUV not a co-dependent relationship! Tweens would never buy the book if they knew their heroine was so mentally unbalanced!**

**AUTHOR: It isn't healthy to educate them that true love involves complete co-dependency. It's actually a form of abuse, you know.**

**SMEYER: Well, I never said my books were wholesome...**

**AUTHOR: [facepalm].**

_A bear doesn't eat Bella. Unfortunately. And it was more like four hours._

SAM: Hello Bella, I am Sam! I have just recently been invented because Smeyer only just thought of me. I have come to rescue you.

BELLA: Meh.

SAM: Excuse me while I remove my shirt.

_He removes his shirt and carries Bella back to her house. _

CHARLIE: Bella! I was so worried about you!

BELLA: Meh.

CHARLIE: But I'm trying to be a good parent now!

BELLA: Meh.

CHARLIE: Alright, I give up. Do you want to sit in your room for four months, skip school and pretend everyone except you and your little ball of useless self-pity doesn't exist?

BELLA: Meh.

CHARLIE: I'll take that as a yes.

_Bella spends the next four months moping. And having retarded dreams that require her to scream like a retarded retard and thrash around like she's having some retarded orgasm. Four months is now over._

JACOB: Hello Bella, I'm really bored!

BELLA: Me too! I just wasted four months of my life moping and not going to school! I wonder how I got away with that!

JACOB: I know, that's so illegal! Wanna build a motorbike and nearly kill yourself?

BELLA: Sure, I love dying!

CHARLIE: You haven't gone all suicidal, have you?

BELLA: [cutting wrist with a bread knife] Nope.

_There is a video montage of motorbike building, friendly bonding and quasi-flirting between Bella and Jacob. Bella rides the bike, steering with her feet and playing a trombone while doing a wheelie. She crashes into a tree, the bike falls on top of her and she is crushed to death._

**SMEYER: Hold on a second, I didn't write that either! Are you trying to kill my characters off again?**

**AUTHOR: Nope...**

**SMEYER: She doesn't die!**

**AUTHOR: Fine...**

_She miraculously survives, despite having a massively heavy bike fall on her. _

JACOB: Bella! Are you alright!

BELLA: DAMN.

JACOB: Whaa?

BELLA: I didn't die! Is there anything else you native Americans do that is super dangerous?

JACOB: Well, we jump off cliffs sometimes but-

BELLA: LET'S GO!

JACOB: No. It's too dangerous. Now I feel the need to go off and brood a bit in an attempt to win fangirls. Notice my muscles that are totally unnatural for a 17 year old to have?

BELLA: Not really...

JACOB: [takes off shirt] Now?

_A thousand unholy screams are heard coming from the woods. Bella goes home and Jacob decides to go and brood. _

BELLA: Bored now. I'm going to phone Jacob! Hello, is Jacob there?

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

_Ten minutes later._

BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

_Ten minutes later._

BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

_Ten minutes later._

BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

_Ten minutes later._

BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?

BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.

BELLA: WAAAAA WHY DO MEN ALWAYS ABANDON ME?

BILLY BLACK: Hey Bella, tell your dad that I miss him. I could really do with a good-

BELLA: MY MIND IS SCARRED.

_Bella spends about three days being bored. _

BELLA: I know, I'll try committing suicide again because I'm such a great role model for kids!

_She drives down to the nearest hundred-foot cliff. And jumps off._

BELLA: Wow, this is fun! Oh look, a random red thing that looks vaguely like Victoria's hair, hint hint. Not like that's going to have any significance in book three!

_She hits the water and breaks her spine on impact because of the way she landed. She is now paralysed from the shoulders down, and consequently drowns._

**SMEYER: You did it again!**

**AUTHOR: Well, how am I supposed to fix this one!**

**SMEYER: I don't care, just don't kill her!**

**AUTHOR: But it's so unrealistic!**

**SMEYER: DO IT.**

JACOB: I'll save you, my love!

BELLA: Wuzzah? [Faints]

_Jacob drags the unconscious and not paralysed Bella to shore, where he does sexy mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her. To onlookers, it looks like they're kissing. _

BELLA: DOUBLE DAMN.

JACOB: But I love you!

BELLA: Who cares? You'll never be a serious love interest! What happened to your shirt?

JACOB: Someone stole them.

BELLA: Seriously?

JACOB: No.

BELLA: What's been going on! I haven't seen you in like ever!

JACOB: I'm a werewolf now!

BELLA: Okay, now you're a serious love interest!

JACOB: I must take you home so you can explain to Charlie your foolish actions!

BELLA: But that constitutes good parenting!

_At Bella's house._

CHARLIE: You did WHAT?

BELLA: I'm very sorry and I won't do it again. Good enough?

CHARLIE: Yep. Now I'm off to fuck Billy.

JACOB: MY MIND IS SCARRED.

**AUTHOR: I AM NOT WRITING THAT.**

**YAOI FANGIRLS: DAMN.**

_The phone rings. Jacob picks up._

JACOB: Hello, Swan residence? No, he's at the, uh, funeral. Byee!

BELLA: Who was that?

JACOB: Has your dad been cheating on my dad?

BELLA: Not that I know of...

JACOB: Some guy just asked where he was, and since I'm about to go over to my house and kill the both of them for mentally scarring the author, I said 'funeral'.

BELLA: Thanks, it was probably completely unrelated to the plot anyway!

_Alice pulls up in a yellow Porsche. _

ALICE: Bella! Edward thinks you're dead and is going to Italy!

BELLA: No! All that garlic and Italian people!

ALICE: That's where the Volturi live! I'll explain later! You must leave with me now in this obviously stolen vehicle!

BELLA: Okay!

JACOB: But I love you!

BELLA: Is that all you ever say?

JACOB: But I love you!

BELLA: I'm going now...

_Alice and Bella drive at full speed through Liberty City, shooting cops and innocent people alike. They hijack about twelve different cars and get involved in hideous accidents that should kill them but somehow doesn't. They spend a night in a strip club and do a lot of cocaine. _

BELLA: Wait a sec, why are we in Grand Theft Auto?

ALICE: I don't know.

**AUTHOR: Because I'm trying to kill you, that's why!**

**SMEYER: Ha! So you admit it!**

**AUTHOR: I never denied it!**

**SMEYER: They are NOT in Liberty City, they are now in Volterra, mystical home of the Volturi. This has nothing to do with crime, by the way.**

**AUTHOR: Except maybe MASS MURDER?**

**SMEYER: That doesn't count!**

_Volterra is some random town in Italy. There is a random festival going on where everyone decides to dress up like a looney and walk around town a bit aimlessly. _

ALICE: He's going to be in the Piazza del Pizza with Anchovies! You'd better hurry!

_Bella pulls out an AK-47 and starts gunning down random people. The police don't really care. She spots Edward._

BELLA: MY LOVE!

EDWARD: Holy crap, now I'm totally tripping! Being dead is like LSD!

_Bella realises Edward is naked, but everyone else has failed to notice this fact. I guess there must not be that many fangirls in Italy after all. _

FELIX: Too late, moron! We're hauling your sparkly ass down to our dungeon for questioning!

JANE: Mua ha ha ha!

BELLA: Oh no! Whatever shall we do!

EDWARD: We must follow them.

_They follow Felix and Jane into a catacomb complex full of spider webs, skeletons, dust and tried puddles of blood. They go into the main chamber, which looks scarily like something out of a bondage magazine. Aro is tied upside down to a St. Andrew's cross in nothing but a leather man-kini and nipple clips. Marcus is chained to the chair by his ankles and is wearing a spiked ball gag and nothing else. Caius is wearing a male chastity belt and is covered in liquid latex. Jane rips off her cloak to reveal an ero-Loli dress. Felix rips off his cloak to reveal his true form: a cat._

ARO: To what do we owe the most erotic pleasure?

EDWARD: I don't want to die anymore!

ARO: JOIN ME!

EDWARD: And end up tied to a wall being ravaged by beautiful maidens in tight leather? Nah, too extreme for American tweens and their mothers. I think I'll stick to my homey little wifey here.

ALICE: Ah, same. Except for the part about a wife.

BELLA: When did you get here?

ALICE: I don't really know...

ARO: Are you sure you don't want to join our little, ah, club? Pleasure and pain are one and the same thing down here. It's making me so horny...

**SMEYER: THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE MATERIAL FOR TWEENS AND THEIR MOTHERS.**

**AUTHOR: Yeah, but it would be funny to see their faces if this popped up in one of your shit books.**

**SMEYER: I would be arrested!**

**AUTHOR: Is that a bad thing? You've already committed crimes against humanity, what's a bit of hard-core porn to top it off?**

EDWARD: Let's just go home.

BELLA: I totally forgive you for emotionally traumatising me and throwing me into a state of catatonia for months in which I didn't study despite the fact I have really important exams in about three months!

ALICE: Yay!

ARO: Jane! Bring out the whips, I really need it right now...

_They return to Forks. Everyone except Jacob is happy. _

ARO: OH YEAH!

**AUTHOR: NOO!**


	3. Eclipse: The Abridged Version

Eclipse: The Abridged Version

_The third part of the seemingly never-ending series (note how it is NOT a saga) begins in Bella's still-Barbie-themed bedroom. Bella is sitting on her pink duvet reading a letter from Jacob, who for some reason has totally forgotten that everyone communicates via text and email these days, making his letter completely redundant. _

LETTER!JACOB: I'm basically really pissed off with you. Don't date Edward.

BELLA: My heart weeps in pain at your words, Jacob. I might consider loving you, just as a plot device, even though everyone who read the first book totally knows what's going to happen.

EDWARD: There have been some completely random murders in Seattle, which for some reason we care about!

BELLA: It probably has absolutely nothing to do with the plot whatsoever! Anyway, less talking more smooching.

_This has been censored by the author because every time anyone thinks about it a puppy dies. _

CHARLIE: Hey Bella and Edward, why don't you apply for college?

BELLA: But college is so boring! All you do is learn and get a good education and then a good job and can support yourself for the rest of your life! What would a woman want with that?

EDWARD: It would make me happy!

BELLA: But all I want to do is get married to you and have your babies and sit at home cooking and cleaning forever! That is a woman's place; it says so in the bible!

**AUTHOR: I thought this wasn't a religious book...**

EDWARD: Shouldn't you be in bed with Billy right now, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Oh yeah, I forgot about him, what with my little girl growing up...

BELLA: No seriously, your good parenting is making the plot look fuzzy. Go fuck my non-best-friend's equally gay dad.

CHARLIE: He is pretty hot...

EDWARD: So is his wheelchair...

**AUTHOR: Ew...again.**

BELLA: How about we stand here and wrongly quote Wuthering Heights at each other?

EDWARD: Yes, since no one will complain if it is reprinted with a dark cover and relisted as 'dark romance for teenagers'.

**AUTHOR: Except everybody in the whole world who doesn't like Twilight...**

BELLA: "Terror made me cruel; and finding it useless to attempt shaking the creature off, I pulled its wrist on to the broken pane, and rubbed it to and fro till the blood ran down and soaked the bedclothes..."

EDWARD: "It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire."

BELLA: Okay, education over, let's get BABY MAKING.

EDWARD: Even though I am a guy who has apparently been a virgin for over a hundred years, I have no desire to satisfy the raving heterosexual sex drive I feel burning deep within my-

BELLA: Heart! You definitely mean 'heart', and not-

**AUTHOR: We get the point. Edward's gay, we worked this out in book one.**

**SMEYER: No he isn't!**

**AUTHOR: His Facebook says he is.**

**SMEYER: But it says in the Bible that-**

**AUTHOR: The Bible was written for a different audience in a different time, social morals and standards have moved on a bit since then. Executing people for really petty reasons isn't socially acceptable anymore, either. **

_About a week later._

EDWARD: I just bought us places in every single Ivy League university in the entire country!

BELLA: But I'm a weak woman who can't take the corruption of education!

EDWARD: Sounds reasonable, let's not go!

BELLA: I wanna be your vampire bride!

DRACULA: NO. FUCKING. WAY.

EDWARD: Nope.

BELLA: Please?

EDWARD: Still no.

BELLA: I need to see Jacob. I think he hates me.

EDWARD: But I'm so hungry! – I mean, lonely!

BELLA: Please?

EDWARD: Never! It's far too dangerous!

**Author: Yeah, just about as dangerous as being around a freaking vampire all the time.**

ALICE: Hello everyone, I just randomly appeared again! Sometimes it feels like I'm just a character in a book written by someone else, provided that someone else is a fat middle-aged housewife with absolutely no writing talent and a thing for teenage boys...

EDWARD: Why is this necessary?

ALICE: Because I just had a vision I thought you should know about, and since you probably plan on not going to school again I just thought I'd pop around and-

EDWARD: BELLA WE'RE GOING TO FLORIDA

BELLA: Yay!

EDWARD: Hey Charlie, can I take Bella to Florida to see Renee?

CHARLIE: Oh, I don't know about that, you might take my precious daughter's virginity and then I'd have nothing to sacrifice come Samhain!

BELLA: Please?

CHARLIE: Okay!

_In Florida at Renee's house. Edward spends most of his time indoors because Florida is apparently much sunnier than Washington, which apparently has cloud cover over 99% of the time. It's a wonder how they got him from the airport to her house, to be honest...Anyway, this part of the story is pretty much irrelevant because seeing her mother who she hasn't had much contact with for the last year is obviously unimportant in comparison to twu wuv._

RENEE: You appear to be medically attached to Edward! That isn't healthy!

BELLA: DO NOT BLASPHEME!

**SMEYER: AND DON'T REMIND THE STUPID AMERICAN TWEENS AND THEIR MOTHERS THAT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS THE FIRST STAGE OF DOMESTIC ABUSE!**

_They go back to Forks because Renee actually has common sense and the plot looks even thinner when she's around._

BELLA: I need to see Jacob! I think I'll just sneak out and drive down to the reservation...

EDWARD: Oh, hi my love! This isn't a large pair of wire cutters I have behind my back!

BELLA: You killed my car just to stop me seeing another man?

**AUTHOR: Isn't that usually what murderers do to stop their victims escaping?**

BELLA: HOW ROMANTIC!

**AUTHOR: [facepalm]**

_Back inside, the phone rings._

BELLA: Hello?

JACOB: COMEST THOU HITHER TO SCHOOL ON THE MORROW, WENCH?

BELLA: Uh, ya?

JACOB: [dial tone]

EDWARD: Well that was normal.

BELLA: OME HE WAS CHECKING IF I WAS HUMAN

**AUTHOR: Well duh.**

_The next day at school. I don't even know why they bother anymore..._

BELLA: What are we doing here, future husband? Why am I not cooking and cleaning and having multiple babies and why are you not out working? What bizarre universe am I in where women get a good education?

JACOB: OMG BELLA YOU ARE HUMAN

**SMEYER: Commandment number 3: Thou shalt not take the name of your LORD GOD in vain!**

**AUTHOR: Are you sure this isn't even slightly religious?**

**SMEYER: I like brainwashing stupid tweens and their mothers into doing what I say. It's part of my housewifey charm.**

JACOB: Um, yeah, well, tell your hench vampire guy not to come onto our property or we'll tell on you!

EDWARD: S'not fair!

BELLA: WHATWHATWHAT?

JACOB: You didn't tell her?

EDWARD: You have three guesses.

BELLA: 1) A game of Cluedo got really out of hand and you decided to murder someone for real and hide their body and figure out who did it?

EDWARD: No.

BELLA: 2) Emmett wanted some reserve ass?

EDWARD: No. His wife's ass is hot enough. It's not like she needs it or anything.

BELLA: 3) Victoria?

EDWARD: Ding Ding!

JACOB: Can we be friends again?

BELLA: I would like to be, but since Edward completely controls every aspect of my life, I don't think so!

EDWARD: That's my useless bitch!

BELLA: Woof woof!

_So basically nothing happens for about 5000 pages. Then we find out that Victoria, who is apparently pissed off because they killed her hubby James two books ago, has made a relatively small army of vampires in Seattle and is going to try to take over the world. Or not. Just Forks. Because it's soooo desirable, isn't it?_

ROSALIE: Hi! I don't really have very much characterisation, but the great and wondrous Smeyer has finally decided to give me a back story!

BELLA: Pray tell, potential sister-in-law and fellow wife-slave!

ROSALIE: I was the daughter of a rich banker during the depression-

**AUTHOR: Wait, a RICH BANKER during the GREAT DEPRESSION? Seriously!**

ROSALIE: -and I was engaged to this dude who was the son of this other rich banker during the depression-

**AUTHOR: TWO rich bankers in the same area? I think that's statistically impossible!**

ROSALIE: -anyway, he got drunk and he and his friends raped me and beat me up and then Carlisle saw me and thought, 'hey, Edward really needs some ass' so he turned me into a vampire against my will!

**AUTHOR: So you were unwillingly turned into a vampire by a man just because he thought his son needed a partner? What part of antifeminism are you not understanding?**

ROSALIE: Then I got to wreak bloodthirsty revenge on the men who practically killed me-

**AUTHOR: But that was technically Carlisle!**

ROSALIE: -but I totally hate being a vampire because it means I can never have babies, which is truly the entire purpose of my life as a woman!

BELLA: Wow, I didn't understand anything you just said! I think I'll just completely disregard it later on, I mean, it can't possibly ever come in handy to have a volunteer nanny hanging around the place!

_Later that day..._

EDWARD: Will you become my ass slave – I mean, wife, Bella?

BELLA: No.

EDWARD: Pwease?

BELLA: Okay!

_Five minutes later..._

ALICE: The vampire army is going to attack shortly! Let's leave a really vague and probably useless scent trail for the vampires to follow so we can attack them but not describe it because this book totally does not condone violence!

BELLA: I will do whatever I can to help everyone else (but mostly me).

_Bella proceeds to stumble unnecessarily clumsily through the woods, ripping out chunks of hair and pulling off bits of skin to deposit all over the really obvious trail. Who is stupid enough to fall for that? Bella and Edward set up a cosy camp on some rock on a convenient mountain. It's cold. Later that night:_

BELLA: IT'S SO FUCKING FREEZING I CAN'T FEEL MY PENIS

EDWARD: You have a penis?

BELLA: Did I just say that?

EDWARD: Uh, let's just forget all about that...

JACOB: Hey Bella, I'd really like to get into bed with you and warm your body...and your penis...

BELLA: Did you really just say that...

**AUTHOR: Isn't this supposed to be a children's book?**

BELLA: Fine, but no groping. I have bear mace!

JACOB: I'm a wolf, not a bear!

EDWARD: Same difference!

_Bella pretends to be asleep. _

EDWARD: I've seen her naked!

JACOB: So cool! If she was my steak – I mean, girlfriend, we would have had sex already!

**AUTHOR: You want to have sex with a steak?**

EDWARD: Well at least I'm not a furry!

JACOB: Well at least I'm not biologically dead!

EDWARD: If she wanted you I'd let you have her.

JACOB: If she wanted you I'd kidnap her and rape her until she loved me.

**AUTHOR: You do realise how wrong that just sounded, boys...**

_The next morning..._

BELLA: Good morning, my love Edward who does not abuse me and has not created an emotional bond so strong between us it would kill me if he ever left!

EDWARD: Good morning, my love Bella who has agreed to be my ass slave for all eternity but doesn't know half of my sick perversions!

**AUTHOR: Then you should have stayed in Volterra, moron...**

WOLF!JACOB: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1!one!11!

BELLA: Oh no! We must have upset my non-love interest!

JACOB: Kiss me, Bella!

BELLA: Okay!

_This has been censored because I hate furry porn._

EDWARD: I am not in the slightest bit jealous!

BELLA: I want your babies! That's all I think about! It probably has nothing to do with the plot of the entire next book!

_Meanwhile, there is some stupid battle going on in the random clearing. There is not a lot of killing of the protagonists, since this is a kid's book, and since the baddies are all technically dead already it doesn't count as murder. Somehow Victoria managed to find out where Bella was. She storms up the mountain to find them._

BELLA: Oh my Edward, it's Victoria! And she's had complete facial reconstructive surgery!

VICTORIA: Actually I've just been recast.

EDWARD: TRULY A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH.

VICTORIA: Let's have a dance-off! – I mean, battle to the death!

_They proceed to strut their funky stuff all over the woodland dance floor. Victoria is an expert tap dancer, drilling holes into the ground with her feet as she shuffles and stomps about in a sparkly bowler hat and waistcoat. Edward is a prima ballerina and has somehow magicked a pair of formerly non-existent male Pointe shoes from somewhere...Even though men don't dance en Pointe. His pirouettes are fantastic. Naturally, he does this without a shirt much to the delight of his fangirls and the horror of all the unfortunate woodland critters within a ten-mile radius._

BELLA: Oh no, Edward isn't winning fast enough! I must cut myself for no apparent reason!

_She slices open her wrist (remember children, it's along the pavement, not across the road!). Victoria immediately stops and tries to devour her in a most unseemly way that has been censored because of the author's newly fragile state from imagining Edward Cullen dancing Ballet and/or Bella's penis._

EDWARD: Oh no! My love!

_He rips off Victoria's head._

EDWARD: Yay!

BELLA: Yay!

_They kiss. More censorship._

ALICE: I have once again appeared inconveniently and randomly! By the way, the Volturi are on their way.

BELLA: Oh no!

EDWARD: Oh no!

_Jane, Felix and a bunch of other leather- and vinyl-clad figures appear. Jane is in her customary ero-loli costume and carrying a massive whip. Felix is a cat._

FELIX: Meow!

JANE: Mua ha ha ha!

CARLISLE : Hello, sadistic and evil Italians! How are the boys?

JANE: Aro is currently handcuffed to a donkey, Caius is taking his turn on the wooden pony and Marcus is being flogged as we speak.

CARLISLE: Oh goodie, that reminds me of the time I spent with them...But I'll save that for never because it's so humiliating. The things those boys can do with a dead cactus and a hand whisk I'll never forget...

JANE: Either way, we're pissed off. Turn Bella into a vampire and don't do anything stupid.

FELIX: Meow!

JANE: Oh, and if you ever need a good, hard-

**SMEYER: NOT IN MY BOOKS!**

_And thus ends part 3 of TTAV._


	4. Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version 1

Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version (Part 1)

_The final installation of the Twilight Series opens in Forks at the wedding of Bella and Edward. Bella allowed Alice to run most of the wedding because she was too busy trying (and failing) to seduce Edward. _

VICAR: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife – I mean, ass slave?

EDWARD: I do.

VICAR: Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband – I mean, master?

BELLA: I do.

VICAR: I'm not a very good vicar, so just sign your names on the dotted lines then you can make out like the immature teenagers you are. I don't know how can you be sure you want to spend your entire lives together when you're just eighteen? You aren't even fully mentally mature yet!

BELLA: Shut. Up.

VICAR: You may now kiss the bride – I mean, bitch.

_Bella and Edward kiss in a most inappropriate manor. One or two members of the audience faint._

RENEE: I've totally come around – I can now truly see that your love is the only truest and purest love that ever loved ever. I completely support your mental degradation of my only child.

CHARLIE: So do I. I'm going to be so lonely without you here, Bella-

BILLY: Charlie, will you marry me?

CHARLIE: Yes, Billy, Yes! You know I've always loved you!

BILLY: This is the happiest day of my-

**SMEYER: TODAY IS ALL ABOUT EDWARD AND BELLA. SHUT UP. **

_Bella and Edward go to their honeymoon island, Isle Esme, which is an island off the west coast of Brazil despite the fact Brazil doesn't have a west coast. They spend the majority of their time frolicking merrily amongst the waves and kissing. The author has forced herself to think about and write the most unholy act of all – the final, successful seduction scene. So here it is._

BELLA: OME Edward! I love you so much! Can we have sex now?

EDWARD: I do not know if I can restrain myself! What if I kill you? Okay!

BELLA: Let's not use a condom or any form of contraception because it is God's decision if I get pregnant or not!

**AUTHOR: Again with the religion, Smeyer...**

_So they ran into their bedroom, which is similar to the bondage cave in Volterra – except this room actually has a bed in it as well as various other implements of sexual torture. Edward throws Bella down on the bed and they passionately make love. _

[Unfortunately, the author spontaneously combusted during the writing of this scene due to the sheer hideousness of it. Stay tuned for part 2.]


	5. Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version 2

Breaking Dawn: The Abridged Version (Part 2)

[Fortunately, the author was immortal anyway and a mere spontaneous combust was not enough to kill her, as much as she would have liked. So she continues:]

_Bella remains passed out for the majority of the sex scene because Smeyer couldn't get away with selling sex to children. Please note this is rape because she could have withdrawn her consent at any time while she was unconscious. If you don't believe the author, Google it. Two weeks later:_

BELLA: Oh holy crap, I'm pregnant!

EDWARD: NO IT MUST BE THE SPAWN OF SATAN!

**AUTHOR: How right you are...**

EDWARD: We must contact Carlisle immediately. His British know-how will surely save us!

CARLISLE: My British know-how has just saved you! Come home immediately.

_They return to Forks. Bella's pregnancy is accelerating at an alarming rate, despite the fact her skin and abdominal muscle wall would probably have split by now from the internal stretching. _

EDWARD: It is killing you! You must have an abortion!

**SMEYER: NEVER! God will never approve and neither will stupid American tweens and their mothers!**

ROSALIE: I'm being possessive of a baby that isn't mine! I hope Bella dies so I get to look after the evil mutant spawn!

BELLA: OH GOD THE PAIN THE IMMORTAL SORROW!

_Meanwhile, on the reservation._

WOLF1: Holy shit, Bella's pregnant!

WOLF2: Let's kill her!

WOLF3: Yay!

JACOB: NEVER! I'M LEAVING FOR NO ADEQUATELY EXPLORED REASON OTHER THAN THE FACT YOU WANT TO HAVE BELLA KILLED FOR PERFECTLY REASONABLE REASONS.

_Back at the vampire treehouse._

BELLA: AAAAARG THE IMMORTAL PAIN – I think I have a connection with the child – THE IMMORTAL SORROW AAAAAARG!

EDWARD: That is of course a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why she should not abort the foetus that could potentially end her life and cause her immense pain and suffering.

**SMEYER: Of course! She loves it!**

_Two days later, the baby is being born. Well, 'born' is not the right word for it, really. If you've ever seen that movie 'Alien' you know what's going to happen. If not, look away now._

BELLA: ARRRG IT'S SO PAINFUL!

EDWARD: ARRRG IT'S SO DISGUSTING!

JACOB: ARRRG WHY AM I EVEN IN HERE!

RENESMEE: OM NOM NOM BELLA'S FLESH

BELLA: HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIT!

EDWARD: KILL IT WITH FIREEEEEEEEE!

JACOB: I LOVE IT!

**AUTHOR: Paedophile...**

EDWARD: OM NOM NOM BELLA'S VEINS

_And so Renesmee was born in a manor almost as stupid as her name, which is a testament to why you should never allow someone on morphine to choose a baby's name. Bella was also turned into a vampire due to the hideous injuries she sustained during the spawning, despite the fact Renesmee would have chewed through many of her vital organs in an attempt to escape. Bella later wakes up and finds out she's a vampire and her daughter is downstairs._

CARLISLE: But she's inexplicably part human! You may want to nom her!

BELLA: SHE IS MY SPAWN. I MUST GREET MY SPAWN.

CARLISLE: Fine. But you aren't going to like what you named her...

BELLA: As long as I didn't name her something stupid, I'm okay!

CARLISLE: About that, ah...

BELLA: I totally did, didn't I?

CARLISLE: Yeah. You named her Renesmee. Did you literally just mumble random syllables and hope they sounded coherent?

BELLA: That's about right.

EDWARD: MY LOVE!

BELLA: MY LOVE! WHERE IS OUR SPAWN – I mean, DAUGHTER (thing)?

EDWARD: Over there.

_Rosalie and Jacob are sitting on a sofa cuddling the toddler Renesmee. Jacob is looking at it with creepy, lustful eyes._

**SMEYER: No, he's looking at her with loving eyes. There is a difference!**

**AUTHOR: HE. IS. A. PAEDOPHILE. WHAT PART OF 'CHILD LOVER' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?**

**SMEYER: He had no choice!**

**AUTHOR: Everyone has a choice! And there's always therapy!**

BELLA: MY BEAUTIFUL SPAWN!

EDWARD: OH MY ME, SHE ISN'T TRYING TO EAT IT.

BELLA: Well duh, it's my baby...

EDWARD: YOUR MARY-SUE POWERS REALLY DO WORK WONDERS, OH GREAT SMEYER!

**SMEYER: THANKS!**

CARLISLE: We invited the Denali clan down for lunch. They're otherwise completely insignificant.

IRINA: I MUST GO TO ITALY BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL ON BELLA BECAUSE I RANDOMLY HATE HER.

_Several pages later_

ALICE: The Volturi are coming again! And they want to kill Renesmee!

**AUTHOR: YAY!**

EVERYONE ELSE: NOOO!

CARLISLE: Phone every other vampire clan you know that doesn't like the Volturi. That should be most of them. Ask them to come over. We're going to have a massive Battle Royale!

**AUTHOR: YAY! CERTAIN DEATH!**

_Various other insignificant vampires with stupid names trickle in. Most of them are boring, but the highlights are the super hot Amazon babes, who come scantily clad in leather and fur, the Romanian coven who come dressed as medieval chain mail wearing harlots, the European nomads who come dressed as sexy courtesans and the Egyptian coven who come in nothing but loincloths. _

BELLA: I have just discovered by super-special-awesome power that can totally defeat everything and anything! I can make shields of lurrrve!

AMAZONBABE1: I'll help you make it all better...

BELLA: Thanks, but I'm not really into that...

AMAZONBABE2: Sure?

BELLA: Maybe...

_This too has been censored because my computer would probably blow up at the sheer horror of any more sex between kinky vampires. _

RENESMEE: I'm now about six, even though I'm only two days old! This makes Jacob having sex with me all okay because I'm not normal, therefore laws of decency don't apply to me!

JACOB: You can say that again, babe...

**AUTHOR: MY EYES. **

_Sometime later the Volturi arrive. They too are in their customary vinyl and leather; Aro is wheeled in on some kind of bizarre adjustable bondage contraption made mostly of rusty metal and leather straps, Caius is trying out asphyxiation by hanging himself from a portable gallows and Marcus is crawling in on his hands and knees being whipped from behind by Jane, who is in her ero-loli dress again. Felix is a cat. _

ARO: Bella! We meet again, though it is a shame I couldn't convince you to join our little club back in Italy, where pleasure and pain are one and the same thing.

MARCUS: It is truly exquisite, feeling a good, hard-

**AUTHOR: MY EYES**

ARO: Hand over the immoral – I mean, immortal child, and you shall live!

BELLA: NEVER!

_There is a massive non-battle which totally wasted half of the rainforest printing shit nobody cares about. The Cullens technically win because they don't die._

CAIUS: Well, since we came all the way out here for nothing, let's just kill someone for the hell of it. Any volunteers?

ARO: No?

JANE: Let's kill Irina; she had no real part in the entire series anyway so no one will miss her!

_They proceed to kill Irina in a very sexually degrading way that has been censored because snuff fetish is not allowed on ._

ARO: Right, back to Italy. Have fun being boring for all eternity.

JACOB: Oh, I will...

**AUTHOR: MY EYES**


End file.
